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Annoying but relevent...

This is my theme song. It is annoying but relevent. Love the message!

I feel like my heart has been ripped out...

This has been one hell of a crazy ride! I am not sure which end is up. I will be glad when I have a clue about what is going on. Ambiguity is so hard on my heart.

I forgot...

that outer space is actually one vast sucking vacuum. The stars are so lovely and inviting but they don't tell the whole story. There is so much more to the Universe. You can't forget the black holes and worm holes among other thngs.

Wow, what a difference a day makes!

Yesterday ended up on a truly sucky note.(Yesterday would have been Tuesday.) Today however has been much better, well except for a very poorly timed problem with the DSL. That was just a glitch on the radar.

My heart is singing in a way that it hasn't in ages, eons even. That is a good thing. It is a very good thing.

The little dog has been most naughty! At times I would like to pinch her head off. I can only mop the floor so many times. I don't know why at the age of nine she seems to have forgotten what her pad is for at times. Little stinker!

I have a great new yard dude. Please let him work out. Oh, how I need for that to happen. I just need to be able to maintain a relationship beyond 18 months or so with a yard guy. I hope this is THE one.

Miss Teffers' situation is getting worse. I don't know what to do. I am just about maxxed out. I don't have a lot more to give myself. I will keep praying. Things have got to get better.

Despite some roller coaster moments, I am a happy little camper. There are events that are making my laugh and smile more than I have in a while. I probably look like the cat that ate the canary as I am typing this and I know that my eyes are twinkling. They are like bright stars in deep space beckoning those who live beyond the pull of Earth's gravity toward them. Some of us can travel without a space station. NASA has nothing on us.


Curve balls...

I should be used to these by now. Well, I am not. I am befuddled. It is not a bad thing. It is just caught me off guard and I feel off balance. Wow, just wow! I think my world is more than just rocked. It is turned upside down and backwards. I am sure that my brain will catch up soon enough. It better. It is certainly slacking right now. Heaven help me. LOL! If this sounds melodramatic just know that it is really just confusion you know one of those "what the hell happened here" kinds of things. Life is interesting!

Life is strange...

I am an enigma. I am different. I am difficult. I am all of these and more. It seems that to some people I am too much and to others I am not enough. All I know is how to be me. I have always thought that was enough but it seems that maybe it isn't. Odd, I never thought of things that way. Life is strange and full of unexpected surprises, not all of which are pleasant and so it goes!


Life is complicated....

I recently told someone to "google" me and that by doing so they would find out pretty much everything they would want to know about me. They'd find this blog where I talk about doggie "doo," living with depression, zaniness, my granddaughters, my heartbreak, my fears, inadequacies, efforts at writing, love of thunderstorms, tendancy to jump in mud puddles and way too much more because my blog has been an open book.

I told them they could even find a video of me reading a story I had written. I failed to tell them that I sound much more nasal in the video that I really sound in person but I guess that is just one of those things.

In so very many ways I am one of those "out there" kinds of know where you stand with me. I don't hold back. I am passionate about life and yet I am a virtual hermit. My life is spread all over the internet. My Facebook page is a candid portrait of things that make me smile and things that make my blood boil.

Despite the fact that I am so open in so very many ways my life is multi-layered. I am difficult. I am complicated. I am loving, caring and compassionate. I can have a hissy fit that would scare the pants off of the Hulk. I laugh out loud and sing off key. I live in such a way that many people find me to be an enigma. That is the word that fits me best for I am a contradiction in motion.

Empathy, Grace(as in lack thereof)and Trouble are my middle names. I love God and try to truly live Christ's commandement to "love thy neighbor" but honestly I think I am on the Highway To Hell. I just need a pink Cadillac to take me there. Sigh!

I don't know where life is taking me at this time. They say that we learn from history but I think this only thing my history tells me is that life is complicated. I wonder if I will ever find the peace that I have spent my lifetime searching for. I don't know. I guess somewhere down the line I will find out. Maybe!

I know I usually sign off with "Ciao" but tonight I will sign off with Adios because all I can think about is Spanish wine.

Adios! Vaya con Dios!

I have been absent far too long!!!!!

I really hate to post when I am feeling funky. I prefer to post happy, funny and interesting things. The past several weeks have been quite difficult for me so rather than posting I have avoided the blogosphere, at least to post. I love writing and talking about things that pique my interest. I have had lots and lots of good things happen to me but by the time I get to "blog posting" I am tired and in pain. Sometimes I feel that all I have done is talk about pain issues for most of the past year and nine months. All I can say is that it has been a challenging and trying time.

Today I just want to be happy. I want to smile, dance(I am a great chair dancer), laugh, sing and rejoice. I enjoy life to the hilt. Yes, I have darkness and depression that steal my joy but I work to muddle through all of the muck and mire. Sometimes I get stuck but I always find my way back to the light. It has taken years at times but I never quit clawing my way back out of the pit. When I do it is time to smile and find ways to celebrate. Tonight I made some delicious homemade vegetable soup and that simple act brought me much pleasure. It doesn't take much to brighten up my day. I am easy to please so if I am feeling the suffocation of depression you have to know that I am trapped in emotional hell.

My oldest granddaughter will be nine years old on Sunday. I can't believe that it has almost been nine years since that beautiful girl was born. What a blessing my granddaughters have been! They are truly gifts from God.

Well, I guess I am through babbling for now. I have so very many things to write about. If I had the brain power and physical energy I could probably sit at the computer to write day in and day out but yet I would still have more things to write. I love being part of this world because even with all of its ugliness and strife it is truly a beautiful place to be.


Recently someone was writing some fan fiction related to the “Twilight” series. I really don't know much about the “Twilight” books except that it has something to do with sparkling vampires. Sparking vampires, really? What is that about? Did Bela Lugosi sparkle in “Dracula?” Heck no, he scared the bejeezus out of lots of kids and sucked the blood out of a few dames but he didn't sparkle.

Anyway, back to the fan fiction. This writer decided to write a book that had some things in common with the “Twilight” fan fiction but she/he wrote a trilogy of books starting with “Fifty Shades of Gray” which is supposed to be about BDSM and has been hailed as “mommy porn” but I haven't read it so I don't know if it meets the criteria for either. I have heard the writing is really awful(probably better than what I am writing at the present) so I haven't read the books. I don't like bad writing even if I engage in it on a regular basis. Also, the Shades of Gray books are supposed to be more about physical abuse than BDSM. Good grief folks, if you are going to write about BDSM read some BDSM books(I am breaking out in a sweat here)so you will know what the heck you are writing about. BDSM is not physical abuse. There can be pain inflicted but only by mutual consent and if you don't know let me tell you now that the bottom runs the show. If the bottom uses the safe word to stop the action it is all over with even if it leaves the top “in need,” if you know what I mean. Well, the way I became entangled, so to speak, with these books that I have no interest in reading because I like good BDSM thank you very much, is that my mother recently bought the trilogy at a yard sale. Bless her heart, I bet the people having the sale got a chuckle at this feisty seventy six year old woman buying the “Shades of Gray” trilogy. Don't you know that there was talk about it once she left, some snickers too no doubt.

You see my mom had heard a lot about the “Shades of Gray” books but she didn't know what they were about. She didn't know if she'd like them but they were cheap so she thought she'd give them a whirl. A few months ago my mom read Stieg Larsson's Millenium series based on the recommendation of a woman at the Humane Society yard sale and had really enjoyed the books despite the fact that she didn't think that she would from things that she had heard about that series before reading them so the happy experience with Larsson's books had led her to think that perhaps she would hit pay dirt again with the “Shades of Gray” books. She couldn't have been more wrong. First, my mom doesn't read the sex scenes in books, she skips over them. I tell her that they are the best part but they don't ring her bell, whatever, she is missing some good passages in her books, but hey, that is her loss right, thus when mom starts reading “Fifty Shades of Gray” she has zero idea what she is getting into. It didn't take her long to get a clue because after she read less than a hundred pages of the first book, she stopped reading, took two showers in hopes that she would feel clean again after what she had just read in "Fifty Shades of Gray" and then after that tried to figure out a way to get rid of the books without anyone knowing that she had bought them. She is too thrifty to just throw them away but she didn't didn't want to sell them at her flea market because she was afraid that she would be run out of town on a rail. Donating them didn't appeal to her unless she could do so in a way that no one would ever find out that they came from her. I tried to get her to donate them to a local Pentecostal church's rummage sale but she was afraid that she would burn in hell if she did and she isn't sure that I won't for even making that suggestion. I almost offered to take them off of her hands but I am afraid that I will read them and then hate myself for reading some crappy novels that I know are crappy from the “get go.” I need to ask her what she has done with them. I am curious.

Update: Since I wrote the first post about mama buying the "Fifty Shades of Gray" trilogy I found out that she still had them because she remained too embarrassed to donate them to some type of thrift store or fund-raising garage sale. I don't know if she was afraid that the recipients would be so appalled at getting "Fifty Shades of Gray" and its sequels that they would fingerprint the books or do some kind of DNA test on them to track her down like a dog in the night but she still had possession of them.

When I found out that she still had the books I did suggest that she put them in one of the local "little libraries." I was laughing like a hyena over that suggestion but she did not find it humorous at all. I guess that first hundred pages really did scar her for life. You know that old saying, "what has been seen cannot be unseen." The same goes for naughty novels I suppose.

Mama does not really appreciate the fact that I keep giggling about her buying these books in the first place because she is mortified at having done so. I on the other hand think that it is one of the funniest things I have ever heard but then I am a little twisted like that.

Finally, after some conversation about "these books" I told her that in a way that I was glad that she still had them because I had been contemplating since she acquired them reading a little bit of the books to see if they were really as wretched as so many of my writer friends and other writers on the internet seemed to think that they were. I think when I said that there was a sigh of relief that she finally had a way to get rid of these books and not have to risk anyone knowing that they had been donated by her.

A few days later she gave me the books that still sit unread because I am not sure that I do want to even read a few pages of them and trust me it has nothing to do with reading erotica, it is that if I am going to read what my mom would call "a dirty book" I want it to be a good one. You know when you read a bad book the time you spend on it is time you can never get back in your life. It is just gone, wasted, kaput!

I don't know whether I will give these books the time of day or if I will donate them to a rummage sale. In the interim, every time I lay eyes on them I just get so tickled that my mama bought them and I would still LOVE to hear the conversation at the yard sale after she left with them. The thought still makes me chuckle.


BTW Mom...don't listen to the song, okay! You might want to ground me! LOL!!!

#AmWriting...if you can call it that...

I don't remember when I last posted, last week maybe. I don't know. I have been in a funk. Would my friend Jerry call that "navel gazing" if I posted about all of that? I will be so glad when this dark shadow passes.

Oh I have so very much to say and don't know whether I want to say it or not. Old wounds fester and I again find myself being treated as the cause when I am not. I never was. I just wrote about the ugliness and ignorance that I was observing. I did not observe it from some secret place but from right out in the open. I wasn't covert in my actions. I just called it like I saw it. That is considered a lapse in judgement. I don't consider it that at all but then hey, life goes on.



Sesame Street Ninja

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June 2015



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