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AugWriSo...breaking up is hard to do...

No, Miss Teffers and I are not on the outs. Nothing to sweat there. I have just been re-reading a couple of books that have rather serious "break ups" in them. I have read both books many, many times so I know what it going to happen and how things will work out in the end. That being said, it still hurts to read about the actual breaking up because it is never mutual and someone always gets hurt.

One of the books I am reading is a memoir. In this book the main character gets broken up with twice during the course of the book. One is much more painful than the other but both are still hard on her. As I read about the first break up again tonight I thought about how much it used to hurt me when someone would break up with me or worse yet just dump me. You know when they don't let you know that they are breaking up you just never see or hear from them again. That is the worst.

Now, it has been a long, long, long time since I have broken up with anyone or been "dumped." I have been with Miss Teffers for more than 17 years and before that I didn't actually date anyone for more than 14 years. So that is 31 years of not actually breaking up with someone or getting "kicked to the curb." Now, in that 14 year period there was a guy who I had a very strange relationship with. We both really, really cared for each other but the relationship had serious issues. First, he was an alcoholic. That is a big problem all by itself. Second, I intimidated him. Now he was about six foot four inches tall and I maxed out a good foot shorter but I had a college education including a graduate degree. Because I was educated and he was not he felt both intimidated and inferior. Another issue was that he knew that I wanted more kids but he never believed me that it was not a deal breaker. I think that was an excuse because he felt "less than" when he was around me. Oh for the record, in case it wasn't clear, he already had one child, a daughter a few years older than my son and he did not want to be responsible for another child. Now he loved to spend time with my son, would always by "Juicy Gum" for him(Juicy Fruit) and took him fishing. They got along very well even though they didn't see a lot of each other.

This guy and I did not have a relationship in the classic sense of the word. We dated for a while and then one day he slipped away. I was really sad because I had gotten very attached to him but hey, if he wanted to go his own way more power to him. On night, out of the blue he called me. He used one of his nicknames for me when I answered the phone, I can't remember if it was "Cotton Picker" or "Hammer Head" but which ever one it was I melted into a pile of goo. You know it had to be "love"(or something) if a nickname like "Hammer Head" turns you on. This set the pattern for our relationship. We would have an intense four to six weeks of seeing each other then he would vanish from my world without a trace sometimes for years at a time. He even got married and divorced two or three times during all of these years and I don't know how many women he lived with and slept with. All along his drinking got even worse except during the times he was seeing me then he would pretty much sober up for a while.

I think that one of the things that really drew him to me besides the fact that we had a LOT of fun when we were together was the fact that I wouldn't have sex with him. He didn't try, he didn't push the issue, he did ask once but I said "No!" I explained that our relationship was not exclusive and that I never knew when he would be around. I added that there was no commitment and that I wasn't a sex toy. I also mentioned that he knew where to get "a piece of ass" in several counties so he sure didn't need to call me for sex. It was never mentioned again. I wouldn't even kiss him because I knew that my resolve would weaken. I wanted to have red hot sex with him and I wanted it bad but I didn't want to risk getting an STD nor did I want my heart more involved with him than it was. As our relationship stood I might wonder what was up the first few days that I didn't hear from him but after that I knew that he was gone again and quite frankly I didn't know if I would ever see him again.

A few months before I started dating Miss Teffers he broke my heart for the first time really and I that point I truly broke up with him. He called me and gave me one of the customary greetings. I was glad to hear from him until I found out his reason for calling. He was married AGAIN(no surprise) and his wife supposedly wanted to have a "three way" and he wanted to know if I was interested. I told him not only "No" but "HELL NO!" I then reminded him that our relationship was totally non-sexual and that if I wasn't going to have sex with just him I sure as hell wasn't going to have sex with he and his wife too. I then told him that our relationship was over and for him to never ever call me again. I don't think that the word furious is a strong enough word to describe how I felt about the situation. I was seething.

After a few days the fury was gone but I was hurt that he would have made just a request of me. I can only imagine that he was drunk, desperate or both. He knew plenty of strippers and such so I am sure if he hadn't burned all of his bridges that he could have found someone else to get his freak on with. I mean really.

Sometime after that Miss Teffers and I started dating. It was the first time I had really dated since 1982 as I didn't count my visits with the guy mentioned about as dating. It was more like sporadic visits from a friend. We seldom actually saw each other during those times, we mostly talked on the phone. I guess when he called me that last time I did actually "break up" with him but it didn't feel like a "break up" because there had never been any expectations of dating, commitment or exclusivity in our relationship. When I started dating Miss Teffers I was hoping she was a "keeper" because I was almost 40 and was ready for a relationship if I was going to have one. I didn't go looking for a relationship but I was glad I found one.

Not too long after Miss Teffers and I started dating, she and her daughter Zyoh moved in an the rest is history. An interesting side note, after Steph and I had been together about five years or so the phone rang. Steph answered it, got a very confused look on her face, asked who they wanted to talk to again and then informed the party that they had the wrong number before she hung up. I casually asked who they had asked for and she said, "Cotton Picker." For just a minute I caught my breath. I didn't want him. I hadn't really wanted him for a long time and he had really hurt me with his stupid request the last time we had talked but part of me wondered if I would have "melted" like an idiot if it had been me who had answered the phone. I told her who it had been on the phone after which she apologized for not remembering the crazy nickname. I told her not to apologize, that I certainly didn't want to talk to him but then added that he probably didn't believe that he wasn't talking to me because at that time everyone confused us on the telephone including my mother, sister and son. We sounded that much alike. He never called again(well at least while we had caller ID) and to be honest when we disconnected our land line about 4 years ago I breathed a sigh of relief that he really never could call me again. I still lived in the same house but he hadn't tried to come by since our last conversation in 1995 so I really doubted that he ever would again. Actually, I hope he has forgotten how to get here. It isn't exactly the easiest place to get to even my sister kept getting lost for a while.

Despite the fact that I remember "breaking up" with people I dated before 1982 and had one last spectacularly painful breakup on New Year's Eve 1981 I hope that is a pain I never experience again but as I said even all of these years later when I read about people "breaking up" I still feel a twinge. I guess that never fully goes away or it might just be me. I feel things very, very deeply.



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