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I love fall. It is my favorite time of year and yet with it comes an utter sense of loss. Perhaps it is because it is a time of letting go and moving on...summer has left and the vitality of the season is waning with the last gasps of Indian Summer as the leaves die and fall away from the trees, much of the greenery dies leaving behind brown stalks and stems that will be dormant for many months. I love the crunchy sound of fall and yet it is indicative of death, dying and loss.

I can't begin to tell you all of the loss that is tied up in the fall, family members have died, relationships have withered, darkness has overpowered the light and left behind deep shadows that engulf everything. It is a solemn time and yet I love it despite the pain associated with the season.

I do love the color of the leaves, the pumpkins, smell of leaves burning, the warm apple cider, the crisp autumn air, the first frost, the chill at night, hay rides, Halloween, pink cheeks from brisk breezes and the way the squirrels scurry faster as they fill up their stockpiles for winter. It is a grand and glorious time. I wish I had a big wrap around screened in porch that I could sit on as I watch the world go by. I would even bundle up at night and listen to the football games up the hill because that truly is one of the best parts of autumn...high school football. It doesn't get much better than that.

The fall we are remembering the loss of Steph's mom last October. It wasn't totally unexpected but you never are really ready for such a loss. Personally, I will never forgive the hospice nurse for not telling us that she did not expect Steph's mom to live throughout the night so that we could have gone to the nursing home to see her one more time. Then hospice did not do ANYTHING for months to even say they were sorry for Steph's loss, not even after I called them, talked to the director and explained my concerns did they bother to call for another six weeks or so. Then we never did hear a peep from her mom's care team. It was as if Steph was insignificant. That infuriates me to no end. Oh, they had excuses...the first excuse was that the person who sent out the sympathy cards had been ill. My response was, "Oh, so no one else is available to fill in? How odd!" After that the excuse was that the hospice waited until all of the friends and family had departed and the bereaved was "alone." Well, there were no friends and family to depart. I guess they never thought of that. What a DUH on their part! Also this last excuse came almost six months after Steph's mom had passed. How many have friends and family that stay for six month? A few maybe but the majority are lucky to have family from other areas come around for more than a few days, if at all. In the end there was Steph, my mom, me, Steph's mom's best friend from childhood and the daughter of the friend. There were almost as many funeral home and cemetery employees as there were mourners. Thanks hospice, job well done, you made Steph feel like crap right when her mom died. Believe me we won't recommend anyone EVER use you for hospice care. You dropped the ball big time.

There are other losses winding their way around us this year. It is so hard to let go and yet when it is time one must do just that. There is such a deep emptiness that such a release can leave but with the turning of the wheel life moves on and we must leave behind summer to enter fully into fall and its own special gifts.

May you be blessed in this time of seasonal change.



White Trash Foot

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September 2018


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