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In about 20 minutes February will leave Arkansas. It is hard to believe that two months are already gone for the year 2014. I am eager to see what March will bring.

I dreamed last night about being employed again. I worked for a former supervisor who understood my disabilities and understood that there would be days that I could not work, as well as, the fact that at some point I would be unable to work again for a while. I would love to be able to work again and I would love for my employers to understand that while my disabilities may be of the "invisible" type they are real and they interfere with my daily life.

I have struggled for so very long with my disabilities with depression being the disabling illness that has cost me the most in my life. I would give anything to not have another depressed moment in my life or even not have my depression interfere with my life. Even when I was still able to manage working more than full-time and/or going to school the depression almost completely destroyed me. Most people who have never had clinical depressive episodes do not have a clue about depression and even those who have experienced major depressive episodes have differing levels of depression as well as different types of comorbidity. I swear if I hear one more person say well I have been depressed, blue, down in the dumps or unhappy(which is NOT the same as depression) before and managed to "pull myself up by my bootstraps," I may have a conniption. I worked and went to school for years while drowning in a see of severe major depressive episodes and overwhelming anxiety. I did it for as long as I could until it literally almost destroyed me.

Also during most of that time I had other serious illnesses that compounded the depression and anxiety. It was like being constantly run through a meat grinder. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Even though I still struggle with a multitude of illnesses I would still give anything to be able to work again. It would have to be a desk job which is not "my cup of tea" as I always liked being out in the field working with people in their own environment trying to help them to live healthier lives for themselves and their families. I liked being on the go and the difficult challenges my life threw at me. I was an "adrenaline junkie" and was always ready for the next situation that came my direction. Despite all of this even if I could just answer phones and take messages I would be one happy camper. I don't know how long I could work or how many hours I could put in but I really wish that I could do it. I miss the everyday challenge of making a difference one way or another.

In the meantime I try to reach out to others via the net to provide support, encouragement and succor to those I meet on the web. I would like to do more but I do the best I can with what I have and will continue to do so until I depart this life.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 1st, 2014 06:05 pm (UTC)
I can relate a bit, Ardee. I don't have all the physical illnesses you do, but I did learn at my last appointment that "Major Depressive Disorder" was added to to my list of complaints. (duh.) I don't know why the docs bothered to keep that one a secret. It's not as if I wasn't aware of my own depression. I was just thankful someone noticed it was Major instead of minor.

It's so hard to believe people are still saying they've been "blue" or "down in the dumps"--as if that compares to a real depression! I mean, they should try walking around thinking about dying for years on end. Hmph. I guess I don't share my depressed feelings with your Average Joe anymore, so I don't hear the bullshit, but I would want to take off anyone's head who said that to me. How you have refrained for so long is beyond me!

You do know you are a goddess-send when a person is feeling like sh*t, don't you? Your encouragement, empathy and support are stellar, in fact. I don't know if you ever feel at a loss for words, but it never comes across that way. I feel that you are one of the very few people who actually understands me. I am so grateful that you're my friend! <3

Mar. 1st, 2014 06:40 pm (UTC)
Mer, I am glad that you feel support from me across the miles. It certainly is there along with lots of empathy. XOXOXO I am glad that you are my friend too. I hope I relay that in our interactions.

Thank you for your comments. As for not giving people a "Jethro" for their inane comments, I have had to learn to overlook them. It has taken time to learn to do so but somehow the lesson has taken hold. I know how hard I work to cope with this illness and if someone doesn't think that I am then it is their problem, not mine.

I am glad that your psych doc has recognized your MDD. I think that sometimes even mental health professionals just don't "get it." Well, I know they don't. You'd think they would but they miss so very much. Sometimes I wonder how much I missed over the years.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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