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Brain Fog and OCD...

I probably should have written the subject line as "OCD and Brain Fog..." but I am not quite obsessive enough to go change it. There is a certain irony there. Trust me on this one.

I struggle with obsessions and compulsions every day. They complicate my life. I wish they would go away. The only medication that really did a good job, actually a wonderful job, of helping me to keep them in check had so many side effects that I couldn't stay on it and trust me I struggled for almost a year to do so. The one medication that helped with the side effects cost $90. At that time I was already paying between four and five hundred dollars a month for my medications. I couldn't really afford another $90 on my limited income.

If you are truly obsessive compulsive then you know what I mean about my struggles. If you are someone who maybe has a few o/c moments you have had a glimpse of what I mean. If you just joke about being OCD you aren't doing anything to help those of us who truly have OCD and it would be nice of you to find something else to joke about.

I read about a man who says that he overcame OCD completely without the help of medications. I am very happy for him but he was very lucky. His success doesn't mean that he tried any harder that those of us who haven't managed to do so it just means that for him there was a way that he found to get out of the trap, kind of like a wormhole. I wish I could find such a wormhole. I'd like one for depression and PTSD too while I am wishing.

Back to being OCD. When I get on the computer I have a certain order that I have to do things in. There is only one thing that I can do out of order when it is required but it is only that one thing. If something comes up that requires me to do something else out of order I begin to sweat, my heart starts racing and I feel like I am suffocating. It is awful. Sometimes I try to do things out of order in an effort to weaken the compulsion related to online behavior but the compulsions can be so strong that I almost feel like I am going to die. I hate it when this happens. Every time I can alter my behavior just a little bit I consider it to be a victory. There is quite a cost with each victory but sometimes the prize is worth the bounty I pay to acquire it. Other times, not so much.

I am always glad to get the "must take care of" stuff out of the way online. Then I can do other things that I really enjoy doing. I like it when I have some energy and brain power left so that I can work on my blog. All to often I am exhausted and severe brain fog has settled in so I am stuck with ideas that get lost in the muck and mire of my sludgy brain so they never make it to become the written word. This really bites because I like to write my blog. I like to tell my silly stories because they make me smile when I read them. My blog is just fun for me. I would love to be able to make my blog the first thing I do when I get online. I have tried it but the level of anxiety bordering on panic that I feel is almost as bad as the brain fog when it comes to blocking out the things I would like to write. I have even tried to write my blog posts on my word processing program before I even get online. Oh my goodness that is even worse. It drives me smooth up the wall. Being OCD has robbed me of so much in my life. I haven't given in though. I still try to outsmart it. Maybe someday I will succeed.

I am writing this because I want you to know that every blog post you see from me or any kind of writing at all is a victory because it means I managed to get my compulsive behaviors out of the way before the brain fog became so dense that the words got trapped in the maze. Even if I am just writing about dog poop it is a cause for celebration. I work hard to find a way to write and celebrate the precious gift of life.



Jun. 25th, 2014 07:32 am (UTC)
Mer, I used to call it being "anal retentive" too even when referring to myself. I still do sometimes but not as much as I did some 30 years ago.

I have prescription drug insurance now which was not available during the time that I was referring to in my blog post. Thank goodness I am not still paying that kind of money for my prescriptions although I do have a prescription co-pay. Because I am eligible for prescription drug insurance I cannot get assistance from places like RxOutreach.com any longer. I was getting prescriptions through such programs and still having to pay about half of my income for my prescriptions before I became eligible for prescription drug coverage. It has also helped that almost all of my medications have become generic now. Back several years ago almost all of my meds were name brand only. I am glad that has changed too.

You are right. I did not know that you thought I was "amazing" for working so hard. I take that as quite a compliment. I think that your ability to survive against so many odds is pretty amazing too. I guess survivors know what it takes to manage to "put one foot in front of the other."




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