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Recently someone was writing some fan fiction related to the “Twilight” series. I really don't know much about the “Twilight” books except that it has something to do with sparkling vampires. Sparking vampires, really? What is that about? Did Bela Lugosi sparkle in “Dracula?” Heck no, he scared the bejeezus out of lots of kids and sucked the blood out of a few dames but he didn't sparkle.

Anyway, back to the fan fiction. This writer decided to write a book that had some things in common with the “Twilight” fan fiction but she/he wrote a trilogy of books starting with “Fifty Shades of Gray” which is supposed to be about BDSM and has been hailed as “mommy porn” but I haven't read it so I don't know if it meets the criteria for either. I have heard the writing is really awful(probably better than what I am writing at the present) so I haven't read the books. I don't like bad writing even if I engage in it on a regular basis. Also, the Shades of Gray books are supposed to be more about physical abuse than BDSM. Good grief folks, if you are going to write about BDSM read some BDSM books(I am breaking out in a sweat here)so you will know what the heck you are writing about. BDSM is not physical abuse. There can be pain inflicted but only by mutual consent and if you don't know let me tell you now that the bottom runs the show. If the bottom uses the safe word to stop the action it is all over with even if it leaves the top “in need,” if you know what I mean. Well, the way I became entangled, so to speak, with these books that I have no interest in reading because I like good BDSM thank you very much, is that my mother recently bought the trilogy at a yard sale. Bless her heart, I bet the people having the sale got a chuckle at this feisty seventy six year old woman buying the “Shades of Gray” trilogy. Don't you know that there was talk about it once she left, some snickers too no doubt.

You see my mom had heard a lot about the “Shades of Gray” books but she didn't know what they were about. She didn't know if she'd like them but they were cheap so she thought she'd give them a whirl. A few months ago my mom read Stieg Larsson's Millenium series based on the recommendation of a woman at the Humane Society yard sale and had really enjoyed the books despite the fact that she didn't think that she would from things that she had heard about that series before reading them so the happy experience with Larsson's books had led her to think that perhaps she would hit pay dirt again with the “Shades of Gray” books. She couldn't have been more wrong. First, my mom doesn't read the sex scenes in books, she skips over them. I tell her that they are the best part but they don't ring her bell, whatever, she is missing some good passages in her books, but hey, that is her loss right, thus when mom starts reading “Fifty Shades of Gray” she has zero idea what she is getting into. It didn't take her long to get a clue because after she read less than a hundred pages of the first book, she stopped reading, took two showers in hopes that she would feel clean again after what she had just read in "Fifty Shades of Gray" and then after that tried to figure out a way to get rid of the books without anyone knowing that she had bought them. She is too thrifty to just throw them away but she didn't didn't want to sell them at her flea market because she was afraid that she would be run out of town on a rail. Donating them didn't appeal to her unless she could do so in a way that no one would ever find out that they came from her. I tried to get her to donate them to a local Pentecostal church's rummage sale but she was afraid that she would burn in hell if she did and she isn't sure that I won't for even making that suggestion. I almost offered to take them off of her hands but I am afraid that I will read them and then hate myself for reading some crappy novels that I know are crappy from the “get go.” I need to ask her what she has done with them. I am curious.

Update: Since I wrote the first post about mama buying the "Fifty Shades of Gray" trilogy I found out that she still had them because she remained too embarrassed to donate them to some type of thrift store or fund-raising garage sale. I don't know if she was afraid that the recipients would be so appalled at getting "Fifty Shades of Gray" and its sequels that they would fingerprint the books or do some kind of DNA test on them to track her down like a dog in the night but she still had possession of them.

When I found out that she still had the books I did suggest that she put them in one of the local "little libraries." I was laughing like a hyena over that suggestion but she did not find it humorous at all. I guess that first hundred pages really did scar her for life. You know that old saying, "what has been seen cannot be unseen." The same goes for naughty novels I suppose.

Mama does not really appreciate the fact that I keep giggling about her buying these books in the first place because she is mortified at having done so. I on the other hand think that it is one of the funniest things I have ever heard but then I am a little twisted like that.

Finally, after some conversation about "these books" I told her that in a way that I was glad that she still had them because I had been contemplating since she acquired them reading a little bit of the books to see if they were really as wretched as so many of my writer friends and other writers on the internet seemed to think that they were. I think when I said that there was a sigh of relief that she finally had a way to get rid of these books and not have to risk anyone knowing that they had been donated by her.

A few days later she gave me the books that still sit unread because I am not sure that I do want to even read a few pages of them and trust me it has nothing to do with reading erotica, it is that if I am going to read what my mom would call "a dirty book" I want it to be a good one. You know when you read a bad book the time you spend on it is time you can never get back in your life. It is just gone, wasted, kaput!

I don't know whether I will give these books the time of day or if I will donate them to a rummage sale. In the interim, every time I lay eyes on them I just get so tickled that my mama bought them and I would still LOVE to hear the conversation at the yard sale after she left with them. The thought still makes me chuckle.

Ciao!

BTW Mom...don't listen to the song, okay! You might want to ground me! LOL!!!




Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
tanith_astlik
Dec. 20th, 2014 02:45 pm (UTC)
OMG, Ardee! That is priceless!

Did your mom know Fifty Shades was about sex? I mean, there might be a plot and all, but probably not much of one. That's what those kind of books are like. (The Kushiel series ma be better than most because at least there's more plot. BTW, check out the meaning of Kushiel. It gave me a little chuckle when I was looking up the word to make sure I would spell it right.) But I, too, have heard terrible things about Fifty Shades. There was even a FB meme going around dispelling incorrect notions about BDSM, especially with regard to the consensual bits. Personally, I would donate the suckers so as not to befoul my eyes and brain. They would probably only piss me off anyway.

Your mom sounds adorable. (I hope that doesn't offend. It's meant in the best possible way.) She really took two showers?
ardeeeichelmann
Dec. 20th, 2014 09:11 pm (UTC)
Mer, mom had ZERO clue that 50 Shades was about sex. She didn't know what to think because it seems there really isn't, as you put it, much of a plot and she couldn't believe what she was reading.

Gwyndyn recommended the Kushiel series too. I may have to check them out.

Most of my feminist friends have been angry about the emotional and physical abuse in the book versus a consensual relationship while my writer friends have been appalled at how bad the writing is and can't believe that the writer got a publishing contract. It is interesting what upsets different people.

As for my mom she IS adorable. That does not offend at all. As for the two showers that was poetic license on part. I get to have a little fun when I am writing. LOL!!!
ardeeeichelmann
Dec. 20th, 2014 09:14 pm (UTC)
I just followed the Kushiel link, I am all but rolling in the floor with laughter. That is too funny. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Hugs, Ardee-ann
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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