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Stream of Consciousness....

I am tired. You know that kind of fatigue that cuts through to your very core. Yeah, that. It. Is. Intense.

The well feels dry and yet there must still be something left lining the parched bottom of the vessel for I continue to work, write, live, love, laugh, sleep, eat, lather, rinse, repeat. I don't stop no matter how very much I want to do so. I have too much to do. It isn't just labor, grind and drudgery although sometimes I fear I make it sound that way for the exhasution depletes my resources so very much but I have way too much living to do. I have butterflies, bees, sunsets, leaves blowing in the wind, creamy white magnolias and little yapping dogs to watch and enjoy. There is much life to be lived even if the physical perimeters are vastly constricted at this time in my existance. I can still enjoy a vicarious experience by writing and sharing with others. I have a dear friend who made a road trip recently. She took photos of the open road. They spoke to my soul and I too was out driving in a car, just to go, just to experience, just to be. I remember those days of freedom well. They came back to me in a rush, suddenly I was in my Toyota station wagon, a large glass of iced tea at the ready and a menthol cigarette in my mouth. I was free for a bit, away from the ties that bind listening to classic rock on the radio, singing along poorly and dancing behind the steering wheel. Yes, the "Sparrow in the Heather" aided and abetted me in the jailbreak. I was free for a bit before the warden captured me again returning me to the reality of the four walls that define my life. I am not truly captive though. I look outside. I hear the highway talking to me. I know it is close. I know that freedom lurks just beyond my doorway in the woods and on the interstate screaming nearby. I do not despair. I dream. I know that there is more. I hold onto that knowledge, wait impatiently for the day when I can again dive headfirst into the "more" and zipline across the barriers I seem to have erected for myself. My spirit is free and I smile at the willful rebellion that keeps me alive.

I am not a possessive woman. I have lost much, so very much. It pains me to think of all that I have lost. I have lived a life of great emotional pain that covers so very many facets of my being. Most of this is related to the numerous losses that I have alluded to but in the midst of all the grieving and loss let me state clearly, adamently and succinctly that you are mine. You cannot excise me from your DNA no matter how hard you may try. I gave birth to you. I reared you. I sacrificed for you. I love you. I don't know why the attempted amputation has occurred but let me make it clear my progeny I cannot and will not be erased. I stand here like a rock. I am both the immovable object and the irrestible force just as you are. I am steadfast and unstoppable. Even when I am in the grave I will live on as long as you live and have descendents who are alive. I cannot be expunged or obliterated. I will continue to stand back but I do that voluntarily respecting whatever decision it is that you have made. I have chosen to honor you in a way you have denied me. I reared you to have due regard for others in your life. It seems that the lessons were lost in so many ways although your ability to "razzle-dazzle" has fooled so many. I see you. I am not blind. Despite the hurt I love you still. I do not bind you. You are free but don't try to deny me. I am here, just like I always have been, especially when you needed me. I never abandoned you. I was here when there was a vast sucking vacuum elsewhere. It seems that you have forgotten that however so I am reminding you. I am the rock upon which your foundation was built. I am not the sand that blew away in the wind leaving you alone and vulnerable. I am and will always be your bedrock.

Life rolls on. I still enjoy it. Sometimes I think that life is a Sherman tank trying to mow me down but I am still standing. I am resilliant. I am tenacious. I laugh in the face of danger. I mock that which threatens to destroy me. If that bothers you then it is your problem not mine. I am fighting for survival, I will win no matter what the cost and I know just how exacting the price can be. I have already paid dearly for choices I have made get through the dark night. I am sure that my tab will continue to become larger still but don't think that I will be deterred for , my friends, am made of powerful stuff. The survivor always is. We know how to walk through fire. The blast furnace doesn't scare me. I have already strolled through the Gates of Hell only to come back out the other side and emerge victorious. I am the Phoenix. Never count me out!



White Trash Foot

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