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The Post In Which I Whine..A LOT!!!!

My brain turned to mush in October. It hasn't recovered yet as I still struggle with immense fatigue and brain fog. I crapped out on #NaBlowWrimo and #NaNoWriMo. I keep telling myself that I have 12 days left and that I can crank out my novel. I have my notes and outline. My brain feels like perforated Jello. I struggle to post an update on Facebook. Words elude me.

My blogging is irregular at best. I bet I haven't written 20 posts in the past two years. I find that to be appalling. I need to at the very least write in my blog at LEAST once a week. I mean really I should be able to do that. I can only shake my head at myself. I need to get a grip now. Maybe I should scedule blog writing days on the calendar. That is an idea. I will do that. Remember you read it here first.

I find myself so frustrated about my writing. I have written web content for various websites since 1999. I have invested many hours in fine tuning my articles, essays and stories. I have always been so excited to see my writing on the web. Now, all but one website that I wrote for is gone...history...defunct. It is all gone. The one website that is still operating has removed my essay from it. I just found that out today. I think that I did some other pieces for that website but I don't even want to look now. I am feeling discouraged enough.

I experienced something similar when a venue for storytelling had its email hacked and lost all of the stories that had been submitted to it. I had several stories that had been accepted by this venue and they were gone. Oh yes, I did save my stories but you see my word processing program "crapped out" and I have lost several years worth of essays, short stories, articles and novels. Yes, I now know that value of saving things on a flash drive. I just have never done that before and failed to remember that computers and programs will fail you.

It is rather disheartening to lose so very much writing. It is as if it never existed and yet I poured my heart and soul into it. Now brain fog is stealing my ability to get my thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I want to cry but instead I do continue to craft stories in my head. I can still make them up. I just can't seem to get them out. I write notes about things that I want to write but then I lose all of the particulars when the time comes. It is an ongoing struggle.

So I find myself slogging through the mud to overcome inertia, a desire to just give up and the sludge that impacts my abiity to share my vision. It is an uphill battle and yet I continue because I must. You see that is why I write, I MUST, I do not have a choice. It is my life. It is what I do. It is me. Writing is me. It is that simple. So I continue to make notes and try to cobble together my thoughts in a way that makes some kind of sense. I don't always succeed but I do make the effort, well...at least part of the time. I can say that my brain is always working though. The stories are all fleshed out in my head. I will get them out. I am confident of that and then I will be satisfied. No one else has to ever see them really. I just have to "birth" the tales in my head. It is an ongoing process.




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