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It may sound melodramatic but...

I feel like someone has plunged a knife into my heart. The pain I am enduring is palpable to say the least. It is as if I don't exist in the life of one I love so very much. How queer, if I had treated him as he treats me I would be viewed as a monster and yet, he feels free to treat me as if I don't even live and breathe. I certainly don't understand it at all.

I really will be glad when I get through this grotesque pain that permeates my being and sears my soul with the white hot fire of despair. It really is eating away at my soul.

For whatever reason my son shuns me, after giving him all the love I could give and more, he decides now that he does not need me. He claims another woman as his mother. How ironic that this should be the case.

I want to know WHY. Why does he feel that he doesn't even need to pay me the most simple courtesy? I am so confused and abjectly sorrow filled. I need to just let go. If he loves me, he will come back. If he doesn't, it is his loss. I still love him with a love that knows no bounds. It is an unsettling situation that I find myself in. I sincerely do not understand it all.

Life is sometimes so confusing.

Ciao!

Comments

tanith_astlik
Feb. 7th, 2011 06:50 pm (UTC)
I don't think you're being melodramatic. When your child doesn't want anything to do with you, that's what it feels like. The whole claiming another woman as the mother happened to me, too. The FH and the Step fostered the lie by not telling anyone living in the area that I existed, and my son called them his "parents." He used to complain that I'm "not like other mothers" so there was a bit of that mixed in as well. Some people, even those past adolescence, can't deal with being related to anyone different or out of the ordinary. (I know another woman on LJ whose son complains about her difference and about the family's relative lack of means, so I know we're not the only ones to go through this. She's in her sixties, so I imagine her son is in his late twenties or early thirties.) That's their issue, not yours. Doesn't make it any less painful, though.

My son's like his dad and also not big on empathy so I don't think he always understands how much his rejections hurt me. I was lucky because I had another child in whom I could sink all my love and teachings. It doesn't make all the pain or depression go away, but it helps.

I don't know what your son is like, but I wouldn't put it past the other parent to keep engaging in the alienation game. The bit about fitting in could still be an issue, and your son could just be a lot like his dad, who, if I remember correctly, wasn't exactly a peach. There's also the monetary issues since men usually have more money than single mothers. It's not nice, but it may be a real consideration for him.

I wish I could make the pain go away, Ardee-ann. I do understand how much it hurts, though.

::biggest hugs::

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