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Guilt and all its junk...

I wrote about dealing with guilt a few days ago and a friend kindly told me to knock it off. I know she is right but gosh, I have spent almost 54 years perfecting my guilt issues and it is hard to set all that work aside.  You see I am never quite good enough...I should be used to that by now and now feel weighted down by the burden of guilt but all the constant disappointment of those around me just gets me where I live and so I find that guilt often engulfs me over the littlest of things. For example tonight I was not a mind reader, my sister wanted something, I couldn't give it to her but I wasn't smart enough to read her mind in advance so I could know that and try to avoid disappointing her.  I know she is very stressed now but there is a lot of that going around and yet, I feel guilt for not being able to avoid being less than zero in her eyes. BLARG!

It is Lent. I should have given up guilt for Lent but then when you get down to it the purpose of Lent IS guilt. We are supposed to suffer so we can relate to the suffering that went on in our behalf. We are supposed to feel guilt for not deserving redemption but getting an opportunity at it anyway. Yes, Lent is the perfect opportunity for guilt and all that jazz.

I never quite lived up to expectations. I never really understood the expectations so maybe that is why I didn't achieve them. I was lost from the beginning and despite my lack of comprehension I feel guilt for not "cutting the muster!"

So here I am at 3:30 am examining my sorry guilt filled life and wondering, why...why do I torture myself this way? Why can't I just let it all go and find better ways to use my time than to feel guilty. Really, I do have better things to do. I always have but somehow, I allowed guilt to be a stumbling block that hobbled me over the years. I own it. It is mine. I don't place any of this anywhere else. I just need to figure out how to get rid of this ball and chain I have been dragging around for so long.

Ciao!

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White Trash Foot
ardeeeichelmann
ardeeeichelmann

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