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A secret I haven't told my mother...

This question came up in a blog that I read and so I had to think of a secret that I haven't told my mother. There are probably secrets I shouldn't tell her, I mean we have gotten this far in our relationship without me telling them to her, we may as well carry on, but the BIGGEST secret I haven't told my mother is that I should have listened to her on November 5th, 1976. That was the night before I got married the first time. She told me that I didn't have to go through with the wedding, that I could call it off right then and that no one would be mad at me that we could just have a big party at my grandmother's where the reception was supposed to be. I didn't take her up on it. I should have but I felt trapped and obligated to get married. I didn't see that she was offering me a window of opportunity to escape the burden I was undertaking. I have never told her that I knew she was RIGHT as we were having that conversation. Not just in hindsight I knew she was right, I knew at the very moment she offered me the lifeline that I refused like an idiot.

I need to tell her that she was RIGHT and that I KNEW IT THEN!!!! I have suffered many indignities by engaging in that marriage. There were some good times and good things that resulted but overall, it was a big mistake. I should have grabbed that lifeline with both hands and held on for all I was worth. I regret that I didn't but the fact is that I got married the next day. My life has been shaped indelibly by that marriage. I am sure my ex-husband has similar feelings. I know he hates me. I have it in writing. It was a mistake from the beginning. We were 18 and 19. We were too young to make that marriage trip and not committed enough to make it work. We felt pushed into the marriage by people who were trying to pull us apart. It was crazy and has created issues over the past 35 years. Someday I will be finally released from the marriage but it won't be until I die. I can tell you for sure that divorce does not end a marriage. The ghosts will haunt you forever. That is part of what I will tell my mother but I think she also knows that and that it isn't a secret.



White Trash Foot

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