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I am awake...

it is 4:22 am CDT on Saturday, May 14th. I have been awake since 2:38 am give or take a few minutes. This may sound mundane but it is important in the grand scheme of life. I have considered what I have written and what I haven't, what I should write and what I shouldn't, what I could write for public consumption and things that I could write only for me in order to get them out of my head.

The reality is that my whole life revolves around reading and writing at this time in my life. Oh sure I engage in everyday activities such as cleaning, cooking, eating and sleeping but my focus is on reading all the news and interesting blogs that I can absorb and writing as much as I can to share these odd bits and pieces of what I have learned, I mean why DID OBL have all that porno in his lair and really why should we care. That was his private business. I guess when you are as notorious as OBL nothing is really private when you have been captured and killed.

That is another thing, did the capture have to be lethal or could OBL have been brought back alive. I wasn't there. I don't know the details. Frankly I am glad that OBL is dead although his death hasn't closed the chapter by any means. That is sad and sick at the same time. Let's move on, who cares what he looks like with his brains blown out. The man is dead, let us deal with the fallout and hope that not too many innocent souls are taken in the ongoing anger over the death of OBL.

These are things that I think about and try to absorb as I see them. Did you know that Disney has filed the paperwork to trademark, "Seal Team 6." I mean really what nasty opportunists. This may end my personal relationship with Disney. Seal Team 6 belongs to the United States of America an should not be allowed to become a marketing opportunity. Let Disney create characters from their own imagination and not incorporate the name of a Special Ops team in their money making schemes. These people risked their lives to capture OBL they don't deserve to be degraded as action figures and "footwear." I mean really!

I write because I must. I don't have to make sense and I know I have said that before ad nauseam in this blog but it is part of every breath I take even when I am asleep. I live to write no matter what the content, no matter the import or not, the writing is the essence of my being. It is really a pity that I let my work gobble up my life for so long. It has almost destroyed me. It has created some gulf between my son and I that I don't understand and it was a destructive force in my life. All I CAN say is that it almost paid the bills and would have done a better job of same if I hadn't smoked, eaten out so much and had an addiction to books, movies and music. My job did feed those addictions quite nicely even though it macerated my soul.

I did some writing during that time. Much of which is lost or destroyed but I allowed the words to build up in my head and soul with no place to go and no outlet. It created a lose/lose situation and ended in tragedy. My goodness I sound morose. I need to get over that for sure. My life now is a better place even though I feel at odds with not being able to work or fully recreate myself into a new person who can be healthy and whole. I want more out of life and I am plugging along trying to find it. I am sure it is buried here somewhere. So I write to uncover the obscure and recreate the soul of one who was battered, drawn and quartered on a figurative level. it is an interesting process. The biggest thing I hope to do with my writing is to uncover what happened with my son. I love him so and have lost him in so very many ways.

So I don't sleep, I write and think of what I can and cannot write and spend my time contemplating the meaning of it all in the bigger picture. It is an awesome undertaking.



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